I'm floundering. I'm not sure I know how to live the rest of my life. I have been through the "mother-of-all-surgeries" and learned that my body is resilient and can heal. I have been through chemotherapy and learned that I have strength. I have been through the weekly blood draws, the neutropenia, the thrombocytopenia, the blood transfusions, the nausea, the vomiting (only once), the aching bones, the sleepless nights, the relentless hot flashes, the loss of ALL my hair (everything except eyelashes) and I have persevered. I have changed the way I eat in order to more fully nourish my stressed body. I have learned how to care for Oscar, my ostomy. Believe me, when you get to empty Oscar's little collection pouch 6 times a day, you get to witness first hand the results of your food choices. (Choose wisely, my friend.) I have pampered my body, focusing on it's every need for 6 months now. And we have acheived some degree of stasis and established a new status quo, a new "normal". But I think I have forgotten how to live.
Cancer is a word that brings one thought to mind, death. My cancer diagnosis did that to me. I learned about estate planning, advanced directives, durable powers-of-attorney, wills, all that stuff. I told my financial advisor that I needed to cash out all my savings. (She talked me out of it.) I thought of all the things I hoped to do in my retirement years and paniced when I realized that my time would expire before I was done. I am not afraid to die and I was preparing to do just that. I was focusing on my death.
Fast forward 6 months to today. While I recognize that ovarian cancer will eventually kill me, it won't kill me today. And probably not even tomorrow or next week or next month. I have time. I am not sure what to do with that time. My doctor told me today "Do not forget to live." What if I have already forgotten? How do I remember? I don't know yet. I don't even know what to do this afternoon. I can't even think of a pithy title for this entry.
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