Befriending My Body

       I was angry at my body for awhile. I felt betrayed. I felt like I certainly didn't deserve cancer. The risk factors for ovarian cancer include a positive family history, having BRCA1 or BRCA2 genes,  age, not having children, taking fertility drugs, taking estrogen post-menopause, and obesity. Out of all those things, I am only guilty of not having any children and having plenty of fat. I score 2/7. I know plenty of fat women without kids who do NOT have ovarian cancer. Why me? Who knows? I hated the cancer cells in my body. I wanted them scraped out and burned. I wanted those cells destroyed. Cancer was an opponent, an enemy to be fought and conquered. Cancer put me on the defensive. Cancer eclipsed my self.
     Sometime after surgery, I studied my body in the mirror. My gosh, my scar ran from my sternum all the way down to my pudendum (my girlie parts). 13 inches of bright red scar tissue railroad-marked with 2 sets of staple scars. I have a stab scar from my drain. I have 2 more stab scars from the laprascopy. My belly button is MIA. And my horrible gaping ostomy and fistula are the stars of my belly. These scars hold my belly together, while my body slowly fills in the hollows where tumors used to reside.  Cancer left me empty.
     One day while driving home from the grocery, it dawned on me. My body has started to heal. After 3 surgeries and weeks of wound care and weeks of bloodtests and chemotherapy, my body needs a friend. My body needs an ally. I need to nurture this body. Treat it kindly. It did not deserve cancer, but it definitely deserves a break.  That's the day I gave up my anger and hatred. I have taken up the task of advocacy for my tattered body. I feed it the best nutrients. I give it all the rest it needs. I make it flex it's muscles now and then. I switched game plans from the defensive to the offensive. It feels much calmer on this side. I am better able to be my own friend. I am reunited with my body now, we are one and the same. I might even be better than I was before this all started. I am transforming Cancer by stealing his energy (why is Cancer male? Don't know, but he is) and funneling it into my own plan for me, myself and I. Cancer is not my friend, but he has given me impetus to being a more positive person. I win!