Sunday, June 30, 2013

Done, But Not Yet Finished.....

     I am done with treatment.

     I am not finished, according to my doctor and the plan, but I am just done. I want to be finished. I am bored with the details of treatment, like labwork. I am done, so I forget my labwork each week. The idle chit chat with the lab tech each week is just boring. I am so tired of smiling each week and making up something interesting to talk about. I can usually come up with a good lunch story, as in "I think I will go to lunch today at _________."  Maybe I will go to lunch but probably not. I am too wiped out and will probably go home and sit on the couch with the laptop. Like I said, boring.

     I am wiped out because I have had so much chemotherapy. This is my third series of treatment. I started again in February because of my first recurrence of ovarian cancer. I am getting the same drugs I used the first time. This is good because that means I have a response to these drugs, I am platinum-sensitive. This is a good thing for my prognosis. This is a bad thing for my body and the side effects of these drugs, paclitaxel and carboplatin. The taxane drug, the paclitaxel, causes neuropathy, numbness and pain in my fingers and toes. The platinum drug, the carboplatin, messes with my blood chemistry and bone marrow. I have constant electrolyte issues that require buckets of anti-diarrhea medicines and infusions. I have constant blood counts issues, low white blood cells, then low platelets, and always anemia from low red blood cells. This affects the activities I am allowed to participate in. I have to avoid other people (germs), knives (I might cut myself), bikes (I might fall and injure myself), fresh fruit (germs), uncooked food (germs), flossing (bleeding)....and the list goes on. It is no longer interesting to me to even explain this. I hear blah, blah, blah when I talk. The topic never changes.

     I am tired of being bald in public. I really like when I can wear a big hat and sunglasses and hide. If I cannot hide, I see the looks at my head. I ignore the looks. I walk the other way. I am tired of answering the questions.

    I am done with cancer. I want to be able to tell you about the fun things I am doing. I am not doing fun things. I am housebound with low white blood cells this week. I could go out, if I wear a mask. Great, a bald girl wearing a mask. How fun is that?

     I am done with cancer, but cancer is not yet done with me. I will keep my appointments and wait impatiently until this series of treatments is finished. I can't wait.