Thursday, February 10, 2011

This moment

     I have seen the end and it isn't pretty. I have witnessed the sequelae of ovarian cancer through the women who have gone before me. I watch and listen as their cancer recurs, from the first little sign until the end. From the first elevated CA125 result, through bowel obstructions, through the feeding tubes, the pain medication pumps, the pleurisy, the lymph edema, the cachexia, the hospice care admissions, the delirium, then one day it's finally over. It's not much to look forward to. It would be nicer to be run over by that truck everyone is always telling me about. You know the truck, as in "we could all be hit by a truck at any moment". That would certainly be a lot less trouble than the slow demise that seems to be the usual experience. Today, I learned of yet another ovarian cancer sister, Pateeta , who has been admitted to hospice care. Today, I went to support group and the sickest  woman in the room is another OC sister. Today, these woman and their experiences weigh heavily on my mind. They motivate me to truly live while I can, to not waste a single day or a single moment.
     Today, I will live the best life I can. I will eat good foods to nourish my body. I will walk in the park and hold my face to the sun. I will breath deeply and fill my lungs with fresh air. I will be present in my body, feeling the muscles in my legs as they carry me where I want to go. I will own my strength and be grateful for it. I will expand my mind with reading. I will exercise my creativity. I will share my view of the world. I will hope for comfort for my friends and family and myself. I will connect. That's the best life I can imagine.

    "I got this moment that I'm in right now and nothin else at all."
~ Todd Snider

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  1. The last paragraph is a life that should be led by all of us regardless of our circumstances. "That's the best life I can imagine." Beautifully written. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this reminder. xoxo

  2. brilliant post. I am sad about Pateeta...and I am glad I read this.

    have a wonderful day. Week. Life!

  3. I clicked over from inspire. Dang, Woman, four surgeries! Praying this second chemo series will work well for you. I finished a second series last July and I "think" I'm doing well. Who ever knows for certain from one blood test to the next!?
    Hoping your days are easy.

  4. Kathy, I love your writing! I plan to republish this post and "Home" at Being Cancer Network as Guest Posts. I will include two links to your site as well as links to the original posts. You should see an increase in traffic. This also places you on our Honoir Roll for Excellence in Cancer Writing. If you would like to put your award badge on your site, please write me and I will send you the URL code. ( Keep up the good work!
    Take care, Dennis