Having cancer is described as a journey. Cancer patients talk to each other in these terms. "Where are you in your journey?" The term journey encompasses everything, including but not limited to your physical ordeals, your emotional status, your spirital well-being, your financial troubles, your body, mind and spirit. Cancer patients have a memorized spiel that can sum up their place in their journey. "I was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer and had cyto-reductive surgery in April 2010. I had a hysterectomy, omentumectomy, bilateral oophorectomy, appendectomy and was left with an ileostomy. I had 6 rounds of chemo from July to October 2010, IV taxol and carboplatin. I then had a second-look surgery where my ileostomy was reversed and micropresence of disease was found on biopsy. I am now in chemo for 6 months, from January to July 2011, IV taxol, IP cisplatin and IP taxol. I feel okay, all things considered." Depending on what questions are asked, that's my spiel. It locates me, tells other cancer peeps where I have been. I want to hear their travel stories so I can figure out where I am going. What to avoid, what to be sure to do, what to expect. I need their travel tips.
I've been lucky enough to have traveled a little bit around this globe in my lifetime. I can tell you that there is always a point in a trip where I look forward to returning home. I want to eat my favorite food, or I miss my favorite socks, or I want to speak English. This doesn't detract from the trip, but rather enriches the trip as I stretch my boundaries while I learn to appreciate all the differences in this grand old world. I've come home a better person each time. One of my favorite memories is returning home through customs in Washington D.C. dragging my favorite hardsided vault of a suitcase behind me. The customs agent looked at my passport, smiled warmly and said softly "Welcome Home". That moment is imprinted on my experience. I was HOME. I could eat McDonald's french fries, watch Jeopardy in English, dig out my favorite clothes from the closet. Home.
Us cancer peeps, on all our unique cancer journies, long for that moment when we get to be Home. But we don't get that. We don't get to be Home ever again. We are on a long arduous journey for the rest of our lives. We have to learn a new language and get up speed fast. Those favorite socks don't feel the same to numb feet. My favorite food is just plain gross today. Today I am longing for the past, for the person I used to be, for the place I used to inhabit. Today I want to go home.
journey shmurney - for me, cancer is not a journey. Like you, I have travelled a lot. All around the globe. Not ONE of my journies was like having cancer. Not one experience in my entire LIFE was like having cancer. Cancer just completely sucks. Journeys don't. They are exciting. Fun.
ReplyDeleteCancer is just tedious, scary and boring. And yes. We never get 'Home' again. Unless we make a new Home. I think we have to do that. I am trying. But it's hard - I miss the 'old' me. The old life sans cancer. grr. But I WILL prevail - and you will too.
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I was humbled by your writing, and by the courage it must take to face your "journey". I am not a cancer peep, but my brother was. I hope you find your way back to the person you used to be .
ReplyDeleteI suppose we never get to go backwards in time to where or who we used to be. That's the true desire, to rewind the clock to B.C., before cancer. It's up to each person to find their way to that new place. I miss the old me too. But I am slowly discovering the new me and carving out a new place for me.
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