I know I haven't posted anything in quite awhile. I have always tried to compose posts that have a message, a positive spin in the end. I have nothing positive to say right now and that has kept me from sharing. I now realize that holding back gives an inauthentic expression. If I really want to share my experience, I need to share the good and the bad.
I am struggling with keeping that positive outlook alive. My chemo is finished, but my recovery is slower that I would like. I am so frustrated and bored with my situation. I am stuck with a walker and sometimes don't think I will ever regain my strength and balance. I am afraid to admit to this defeatist stream of consciousness. Everyone knows that you need a positive outlook to survive cancer. Am I allowing bad juju when I think less than positive thoughts? What am I doing to my body when I get discouraged? All I want is to feel better. All I want is to be able to eat a meal without suffering bowel trouble. All I want is to be able to walk to the mailbox. All I want is to be normal. Is that so much to ask for?
I am trying to hear and feel the negative, recognize it and release it, be rid of it. I am trying to find a moment of fun and frivolity every day. I am trying to laugh again. It's a constant struggle, this positive outlook stuff. I am working on it.