Home is Where the Heart Is

I have spent the days before my cancer surgery tidying the house. I went through piles of mail that have sat untouched on the kitchen table for as long as a year. I washed loads of laundry until I had nothing left to wash. I returned things to their proper place in the house. I discarded old magazines and mail-order catalogs. I purged drawers and files. I swept down the cobwebs shadowing the corners of the ceiling. I found the carkeys missing since last summer. I threw out dysfunctional, broken down things. I wasn't thinking as I was doing all this. I was just moving. The more trivial the chore, the more I felt the need to get it done.

The process was gratifying not only in that I could see what I had accomplished, but also that I could see my space. Of course I mean the physical spaces of the house, but I also mean the vast room left in my heart and soul. Somehow by clearing my physical space, I created room to breathe, room to thrive. I hung my pink flamingo patio lights over my windows. I thumbtacked pictures I liked wherever I liked. Tonight, the night before my very scary surgery, I look around and finally recognize what I have done. I have obviously kept fear at bay with mundane simple tasks. I have more subtly and unconsciously created a healing environment for my body and my soul. And I symbolically have laid the groundwork for my surgeon, Dr. Lim. As I have cleaned out the debris and dross from my house, the home of my body, Dr. Lim can clean out the cancer from my body, the home of my soul. I feel strenghth tonight.