Have you seen those ads on TV that ask you what is your "Aha" moment? Supposedly this is the moment when you realize your purpose in life and can follow your path forward to blissful ever after. The ad suggests that this moment is when you realize your artistic talent or find your soul mate or some other romantic bullshit. That's right, I said bullshit. Let me be the first to tell you that your Aha Moment is the moment when your life changes beyond recognition into something you could never have fathomed in your wildest dreams. The moment after which nothing is ever the same. I know my Aha Moment. It is 1:30 pm on April 7, 2010. This is when my doctor confirmed that I had ovarian cancer. Aha.
In the months following that fateful micro-second of time, I have struggled with the classic grief process. You know, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This is not a smooth path, nor is it chronological or progressive. I had a small moment of denial right after surgery when I awoke for the first time and had fleeting hopes that I might have been dreaming. Then I said to myself "holy fuck, it's real". That's a direct quote. I won't bore you with the insipid details of my emotional and spiritual ambiguity since then. My point is this, that a horrible terrible thing can bring positive change to your life. Aha.
Having cancer has taught me to SLOW DOWN. Why hurry? You cannot possibly assimilate everything happening along your path when you are moving so fast. Take the next step, one step at a time. You cannot possibly know the future, so address what is in front of you at this moment. Laugh with your friends. Do what you want and don't do what you don't want. Make the effort to connect. Enjoy what you can. Be kind. Don't be the person (like me) that has to be struck by cancer to realize these things. It's a hecka wake-up call. My diagnosis has brought me to a blessed, centered and serene place. It's a rough way to get here, but I'm finally here. Aha.
